Oh, Sally....

The last time I went into work, I dove in for a double. That's sixteen consecutive days in the southern Utah desert with troubled teenagers. I was really nervous about my capacity to function well out there for so long. I thought I would become reactive and impatient by the end of my two weeks.

 

Fortunately I had the best possible double. The weather was mid 80's and clear the entire time. Such a blessing. My group was very functional too. I would say that I got a bit impatient, but the result was that I didn't put as much energy into the kids. Which is fine, the students need to figure things out for themselves, and I  need to take care of myself.

During my two weeks I worked with same girls group. It was great to be able to get to know the students that much better. A few of the girls took a little longer to open up. I was also better able to identify patterns which were helpful to the students therapy.

There is no reason for me to do a double again. Anyway, I don't think I could get so lucky with the weather and the group twice. But I do feel stronger and more capable.

One of the girls I worked with on my double, Sally, was part of my shitty week. Sally is extremely manipulative, rebellious, attention seeking, and volatile . Therapists suspect that Sally has boarderline personality disorder. It's important to keep really solid boundaries with Sally and communicate assertively.

It took a long time and lots of testing for Sally to realized I wouldn't flinch because she called me a bitch or cried or asked why. I had to realize that the minute I tried to reason with Sally, then I was empowering her. I had to state my directives confidently and then disengage. By the end of two weeks Sally was mostly compliant.

This job has helped me be more stable while others are feeling uncomfortable. I hate it when people are mad at me; even when I know that the angry person isn't being fair or logical. It's hard for me to remain confident when someone is having an emotional outpour. This job forces me to be more less emotional and have firmer boundaries, otherwise the kids eat you alive. I need to carry these budding skills further. I still have trouble with confidence and boundaries during hiking, and in my personal life.

Yoga Teacher Training

It's been a long time goal of mine to be a yoga teacher. Now that I've taken a basic training, my goal is that much closer to actualization. I always thought that being a yoga teacher would be years down the road. But the opportunity arose, and the timing was perfect. I feel really lucky.

The training was outstanding. Everyday twice a day for five days I did the hardest yoga class I've ever taken. The teacher had us holding poses for a long time, and was putting us in advanced poses. We did 8-10 wheels in the morning. The practice room varied from a cool 85 degrees Fahrenheit on up to 103 degrees Fahrenheit. At those temperatures when anyone walked by me I could feel a refreshing breeze from their passing.

The training made me physically stronger and more bendy. I'm in a better emotional state post training too. I feel more open, and less expectant. As cheesy as it sounds, I do feel I had a significant breakthrough. Lately I've been feeling stagnant in my growth. I knew thought patterns weren't serving me, but was having a hard time letting go. My job is helping me grow, but the process feels slow and arduous. I wanted more faster, I could see where I wanted to be, but was frustrated that I wasn't there. During the yoga training I just opened up, one pose at a time. Literally and figuratively. I'm not "there" now, and growing never stops, but it's gratifying to feel I've made significant progress.

I'm really excited. I think that spiritually I need a yoga training or retreat annually. I'll be keeping my eyes and ears open. I'll be saving for it. My idea is to save the money that I earn from teaching yoga as well as the money I would have spent on taking yoga classes and invest that into future trainings.

The next growth opportunity is on the horizon. In order to do the yoga training I had to take a double off followed by a double on. I'm diving into the field on Wednesday, and I'll resurface on August 14th. I'm nervous about two weeks in the field, but I know I'll be tougher afterwards.

Translation

When I was twelve I moved to Germany, last shift was hard, unexpected changes at work. The previous is a very brief summary of the convoluted series of events, that led me to only work four out of 8 days in the field. This was a week that reminded me that all things are interconnected, and that the universe always provides healing.

My time in the field was brief. I had the opportunity to work with high functioning students, and to experience the field as a bonus staff, so there was less pressure. It was so refreshing after the shitty week award. After my time in the field I got to go home for a day. I used my free day to study German, because the following two days I spent helped a Swiss-German family through graduation festivities.

Since my translation services were needed, I had the unusual opportunity to sit in on the group therapy that the parents have before their children arrive. It was really wonderful to interact with the parents, and see a little bit deeper into the lives of my students. Seeing the students graduate and move on is the biggest reward. It isn't often that staff get a chance to see students at the end of their wilderness therapy journey. It's powerful to hear how the students have changed, how grateful the parents are, and in the end to be reminded that the work I do is important.

Being at graduation was a gift. The additional bonus of translating was also huge. I learned a lot about what I do and don't know in German. As a translator, the work I was doing had a direct and immediate impact. It felt really good to be needed in a way that gave me energy, and related so directly to my goal of being a German/French teacher. I know for a fact that the mom had a much better and more inclusive experience because I was there to help. It feels good.

Shitty Week Award

Yep, it’s a real thing at work. I’ve worked at Red Cliff for six months now, and nobody at my shift has received the award since I started. In honor of a tremendous shift, the names of my co-staff and I were immortalized on a plaque that features a very realistic fake poop. We also got a lunch gift card at the end of shift. 

 This last week we had a group of seven students two of which were high supervision. High supervision students are demarcated with a special outfit called a red suit. Staff has to shadow them to use the bathroom, and the red suit has to be wrapped in a tarp at night. The tarp allows the staff to hear and feel if the student is trying to get away or if they are hurting themselves. 

Our group had three staff, one more than the usual. But once during the week we had five staff to seven students. All five staff were imperative.  While we had five staff, one student required three staff to manage. Another time base brought us two extra staff, so that the two usual staff would have time to file incident reports. I filed six incidence reports this week. It’s best not to publish what the incidence reports entailed, but one of them required base to send an extra staff who could stay awake all night. 

It was totally exhausting. Every night I went to bed with a stress headache, and by shift change tears were free flowing. I’m sad and disappointed about some things that went down this week. But I’m also proud. This is one of three memorable shifts that allows me to see that I’m capable of more than I think I am. I also know I could not have handled this shift when I first started working at Red Cliff. 

It’s easy for me to be my own best self when conditions are ideal. I want my own best self to become so ingrained and so habitual that even in the worst of times I maintain a deep sense of gratitude, happiness, love, and patience. 

I think it’s good to be taken to the edge of my emotional and or physical capacity for short intense bursts every few months. It makes me stronger. I also have the impression that if I don’t have a veritable challenge every now and then that I could become weaker. I don’t think I can get to my own best self without these struggles.

Emotionally Reactive

One of the things I struggle with the most about this job, is not allowing myself to get sucked into other people’s emotions. It is difficult for me to be around people when they are unhappy or uncomfortable. Most of the students at Red Cliff are unhappy, so I’m learning not to take on other people’s issues or be reactive to things that don’t truly concern me. It’s a struggle to be happy when students throw negative energy around or if they are in constant need of reassurance. 

I’ve realized that often I get into circular conversations with students, where they complain, I explain, and they make the same complaint. Then I try to reword my explanations or reassurance hoping to reach them, but usually they respond by rewording their discomfort. I’m learning to see these cycles and just cut off the conversation. It’s not worth my energy if a student is not ready to change or entertain other perspectives.

I see how this difficulty I have with my job is a similar difficulty I have with my relationships. I’m always trying to fix something. I have little patience when I see people making the same mistakes over and over again. (Another common occurrence at work.) I’m starting to feel a change in myself though. It keeps getting easier at work. I know this job is helping me be more patient and accepting. After all, most people have to try try again, especially with emotional learning. Once someone is aware of something, it takes a long time to create a new emotional habit. Many people accept me where I’m at on my journey, and I want to be more accepting of other people. 

I recently read an idea in the book “Meditation as Medicine” that people store emotions in their body. It takes a lot of work and time to rid your body of emotions you would rather not hang on to. This helped me realized how it’s possible to have an intellectual understanding of a situation, but have an emotional reaction that didn’t serve me well. Perhaps I can have more patients for myself too.

Acceptance

   Nearly five years ago I started my blog. At that time I was struggling with letting go of college, nervous about moving to France, and heartbroken about the murder of my coach/friend. Accepting these turn of events was a challenge. I became keenly aware of how much accepting and letting go I needed to do in my life. I thought I would be better at it by now.

    I re-read my first blog entry. I'm still trying to synchronize my thoughts, values, and behavior patterns. Now I would add to that list, emotional patterns.

    An important developmental milestone for children is learning delayed gratification. Perhaps for adults, relinquishing expectations and rapid acceptance of the unchangeable is a parallel milestone of maturation. Some days I feel discouraged, and wonder when/if I'll get there.

    My job has been an intensive exercise for practicing acceptance. I become impatient and critical with the students more than I'd care to admit. Students make decisions that don't benefit them. It's my job to keep them safe, and guide them if they are receptive. If students aren't receptive to feedback, then I just keep them safe and wait for them to figure it out. Ideally I'd be waiting with love and patients.

    Ten years ago a show from the United Kingdom followed 6 students on their journey through Red Cliff. I thought I'd share this video with you so that you can catch a glimpse of where I spend my time, and meet the students who help me on my journey.

Down Time

 It feels nice to sit down and write a blog again. This is the first off shift that we spent in Cedar City since mid March. We've had family loss, a move, weddings, and a staff retreat. We've been to New York, Washington, and California. These last two and a half months have been big, beautiful, and a little overwhelming. Intense times always shows me a bit about "what's important now." Busyness allows me to see who adds to my life, and who requires extra energy. I'm grateful to have experienced so much so fast, and ready for a little less momentum for a while.

Summer is shaping up nicely in southern Utah. We have no plans to go anywhere but day hikes. There are some are art projects on our hearts and a garden starting to sprout.