Rollerblading

I strapped on my rollerblades, and launched myself from the doorstep when suddenly my dad jumped out from the dark wielding a sharp object. Needless to say I screamed and told him that scarring me was uncalled for. Dad told me that he was showing me that I need to watch out more. This sparked a brief conversation on how I interact in the world. The conversation ended with me protesting about living in fear and defending the precautions I take emotionally and physically. Dad asserted that I was naïve and lucky that my ineffectual precautions have not led to my demise. Realizing that the point was mute I rolled my eyes under the cover of darkness and hugged my dad before I rolled away.

Being a sassy girl of the world, I get the “watch out for the Boogie-Man” talk a lot. The biggest initiators of these warnings are my many parents are who are in perpetual fear that I’m going to be attacked and or abducted. At least one of my parents also considers it a possibility that I could be brain washed. These fears are genuine and thus I consider the most loving thing for me to do is reassure my parents with smiles, hugs, kisses, and regular contact. If I can pacify their concerns without altering my sense of self then I do.

Despite the recommendations of everyone in my family, one simple act that I am incapable of fulfilling is watching the movie “Taken”. I’ll save my political, feminist arguments about the sexualization of violence against women and the absurdity of violence as entertainment regardless of context for another blog. Thoughts on media aside, I just can’t watch scary or bloody movies.

My imagination is still alive and well. Normally I skip around thinking happy thoughts and making up beautiful things in my head. I credit my general happiness to this habit of perpetually daydreaming. Perhaps my privilege makes it possible for me to go around in a fantasy land. Or perhaps I’m genetically inclined to float around on a sublime cloud. Whatever the case may be, that is how I function.

My imagination has a dark side however. This coincides with other images that pop up at bizarre times. Sometimes I’m walking along on a sunny day humming a song to myself when somewhere from the depths of my mind the idea that someone (usually a man) in my vicinity could attack me. In an effort to prevent a regular state of imagining horrific events, I just try to stay away from them. This includes movies like “Taken”.

When I’m exposed to violent things, I have nightmares, and I can’t stop my imagination from replaying scenes and expanding on them in more gruesome ways. Sometimes images from a film like that will pop up at unexpected times. I do listen to the news, and sometimes I’ll get nightmares from that, but what can I do?

Perhaps the morbid parts of me have always been their but they are more prevalent since I found an uninvited man in my room, and since my friend was murdered. Other improbable events like my Uncle dyeing in a plane crash, my Grandpa dyeing in an ordinary medical procedure, and my cousin getting hit by a bus have also contributed to an over all feeling that anything can and will happen.

For my 23 years I have been part of a perpetual and reinforcing cycle of blissful imaginings. I worry about how this would play out if I spun too far out into negativity. When I do get into dark moods, they scare me. There is a long history of depression in my family, could I fall into that?

So I prefer not to think about “sad/bad” things. I intentionally separate myself from them to the best of my ability. I keep busy. I get my energy from people. The sadness always escapes and manifests itself in the form of sleeplessness, illness or general emotional neediness, however thus far happiness always prevails.

Changes

Jennifer recently bought a house and she moved back to Washington. Since the end of September I’ve known that Jenn would probably move, however she left suddenly after her and Jana had a dispute. Jennifer has been gone for two weeks, but I’m still feeling out a new equilibrium. All and all I have been three weeks in adjusting because the week Jenn packed was extremely difficult. Jana was gone for most of that week, and boxes were everywhere. Fortunately Jennifer and Jana reconnected before Jenn and the kids left. It was important to both girls that Aedan and Jana got to spend time together before they left.

I was so relieved when Jana came back home that my personal water fountains sprung to life. The girls were able to transcend their differences because there were kids involved. Extraordinary feats of relationship repair often occurs when kids are involved, but I have to wonder why can’t adults put their pride aside because of love? Why blame? Does silent treatment and hurtful burdens add anything to the lives of people in conflict?

In any case, the house is quieter, and I have been staying extra busy to alleviate sad feelings. I’m happy for Jennifer and her family. It’s wonderful that she is able to buy a house. I admire her strength everyday. I still miss her and the kids though. I miss silly conversations with Jennifer and all the ridiculous things she says. I miss playing cars and cooking with Aedan. I miss tickling Morgan, and I miss Kenley’s sweet smile. Even for though it was short the time we had together was truly special. My poor brother in law must be heart broken without them. I keep Sam in mind and think, “I can’t really complain, but sometimes I still do…”

I’ve been working on my relationship with Jana since I arrived, and I’m starting to feel the love grow. My relationship with Jana is teaching me how to love. Patience and love is building trust between us. My strategy to react defensively is shifting. It’s becoming more and more evident to me that defensiveness and justifications only creates holes. The past few days when I hug Jana, I don’t get the feeling that she is embracing me out of a sense of obligation. We are healing.