Wanted to Share

A friend of mine shared this post with me called "because i'm a twentysomething" from the blog "Today was Meaningful."

This post was really timely for me and many of my friends. I'm always attracting the same kind of friend. They are all special and unique people, but if I were to place them in a category, they would all be in the same one. The category of friend I'm drawn toward is "Whole Hearted Passionate Artist Adventurer" Yes, that is all one title.

This free-spiritedness was charming for a few years, but some loved ones are starting to worry about those of us who are getting closer to thirty. Us near thirty or early thirty somethings are feeling worry creep up in ourselves too. It's weird to worry, and not in our nature. We are worrying about if we'll find our dream job, and moreover, if we'll actually get paid a living wage for it. We're worrying if we'll find partners before we're biologically too mature to have kids, or if we'll have the money situation squared away while we're young enough to have babies. This quarter-life crises thing never ends, it just keeps coming in waves of angst followed by calm.

Work, and the things work invites into our lives is a constant topic of exploration for us adventurers. Several weeks ago, we had a "Feelings Group" at work before we went into the field. One of my colleagues said she felt sad that she wasn't sure she could continue to do the things she wanted to do, because it wasn't financially feasible. Unfortunately this comment was misunderstood as a passive aggressive jab at how much we are being paid. In response an administrator suggested that we should be glad we have jobs.

Perhaps it's a generational gap, or perhaps it's a difference in personality. We adventurers are looking for far more than a paycheck. We are looking for an experience, and personal growth. Ultimately we want a balanced happy life that fuels our passions. We are looking for teamwork and community in our jobs. We want that teamwork amongst colleagues at our level as well as with our superiors. Adventurers look around and wonder if the job we love, and the work environment we want will support kids and pay for retirement. Administrator, sir, the worries expressed are far deeper than the current job.

Hugs

I’m an affectionate person. My mom raised me with lots of hugs and kisses and I never grew out of it. I often find myself craving a hug. 

When I first started working at Red Cliff, I was frequently lonely or sad in the field. It was challenging to work in such an emotional capacity while getting so few hugs. Every time my co-staff and I had a meeting I made sure to hug them, more for my sake than theirs. 

There is a time and a place for hugs in the field. Usually at a naming or a knifing the honored student will hug everyone in the circle. Once in a while, a student will ask for a hug for one reason or another. If it is a male student, I always say no. If it is a female student, it depends on the situation. Truly, a professional working with youth does not want to put themselves in a position where anything can be misconstrued. Hugging gets dicey pretty fast. 

It is challenging to see a student obviously hurting and in need of a hug. I’ll give out back pats now and again. If the situation truly merits it, then I’ll tell a sad student to go hug another student in the group. I only suggest hugging a peer if it’s a sad birthday in treatment, or a dog died at home, or anything that would be unusually draining. 

The Red Cliff therapy model does not emphasize warm fuzzy comforts, but I would say that it is very much a nurturing environment. The curriculum is designed to empower students, and the field guides radiate positive, caring vibes. I’ve found that hugging, validation, and attention seeking can all become crutches that people could become overly dependent on. Heavy reliance on affection is often symptomatic of someone who allows other peoples moods to determine their own mood. 

When I started working at Red Cliff it was quickly clear to me that my mood was dependent on the mood of others. This is a very vulnerable place to be in when you’re an authority figure surrounded by upset teenagers. Over the last nine months I’ve become better at maintaining my mood and my sense of self regardless of those I’m surrounded by.  My awareness of this tendency in myself has gone from none to some, which is big. Actually changing this dynamic will probably come incrementally as most emotional change does. I don’t want to stop being a huggy person. I think hugs are good for your health. (Yes, I know CNN is far from scholarly.)  It’s just that I don’t want to be dependent on hugs, or other people’s moods. I want to understand my underlying motivations and act from a wise mind as opposed to react from an emotional space.