Hugs

I’m an affectionate person. My mom raised me with lots of hugs and kisses and I never grew out of it. I often find myself craving a hug. 

When I first started working at Red Cliff, I was frequently lonely or sad in the field. It was challenging to work in such an emotional capacity while getting so few hugs. Every time my co-staff and I had a meeting I made sure to hug them, more for my sake than theirs. 

There is a time and a place for hugs in the field. Usually at a naming or a knifing the honored student will hug everyone in the circle. Once in a while, a student will ask for a hug for one reason or another. If it is a male student, I always say no. If it is a female student, it depends on the situation. Truly, a professional working with youth does not want to put themselves in a position where anything can be misconstrued. Hugging gets dicey pretty fast. 

It is challenging to see a student obviously hurting and in need of a hug. I’ll give out back pats now and again. If the situation truly merits it, then I’ll tell a sad student to go hug another student in the group. I only suggest hugging a peer if it’s a sad birthday in treatment, or a dog died at home, or anything that would be unusually draining. 

The Red Cliff therapy model does not emphasize warm fuzzy comforts, but I would say that it is very much a nurturing environment. The curriculum is designed to empower students, and the field guides radiate positive, caring vibes. I’ve found that hugging, validation, and attention seeking can all become crutches that people could become overly dependent on. Heavy reliance on affection is often symptomatic of someone who allows other peoples moods to determine their own mood. 

When I started working at Red Cliff it was quickly clear to me that my mood was dependent on the mood of others. This is a very vulnerable place to be in when you’re an authority figure surrounded by upset teenagers. Over the last nine months I’ve become better at maintaining my mood and my sense of self regardless of those I’m surrounded by.  My awareness of this tendency in myself has gone from none to some, which is big. Actually changing this dynamic will probably come incrementally as most emotional change does. I don’t want to stop being a huggy person. I think hugs are good for your health. (Yes, I know CNN is far from scholarly.)  It’s just that I don’t want to be dependent on hugs, or other people’s moods. I want to understand my underlying motivations and act from a wise mind as opposed to react from an emotional space.