Things I learned

I’m still reflecting on all the things that I learned in France and I’ve been thinking about all the wonderful opportunities I had to learn what it means to establish boundaries. Teaching has helped me learn the difference between when I’m really hurting people’s feelings, and when I am being manipulated into sacrificing my boundaries.

I’m also learning how to sit with “negative” emotions as well as witnessing someone else’. Previously when someone was sad or disappointed, I had a really hard time. I felt guilty even when I had nothing at all to do with the situation.

Teaching has been integral to asserting my boundaries. If I sent a student back to the real teacher or if I confiscated something I was inevitably greeted with, “I didn’t do anything. No Miss, please! I’ll stop, I promise…” etc etc. It’s pitiful. The kid always looked genuinely disappointed and stressed. However I ceased to view myself as the cause of this stress. I always gave plenty of chances, explanations, and warning. If the kid is getting something confiscated or if they were sent out of class, they definitely earned it. I’ve learned that if I don’t set limits other kids take liberties. Punishment is a chance to teach the kids about respect and boundaries. It also shows the students that learning is an opportunity. I never yelled when I sent kids out of class. I explain that they have had plenty of chances and that they acted in a way that had a negative impact on the learning environment. I also remind the student that they can redeem themselves the next time we have class together.

The other thing that has helped me be less afraid of hurting someone is dancing in clubs. Dancing in clubs is different from social dance. The music doesn’t stop, the floor is more crowded and nobody asks someone else to dance, it is just dance.

Communication is almost entirely nonverbal. Eye contact and smiles invite someone to dance. Some men approach a little too forcefully and were never invited. At first I tried passive ways to say “no thanks I don’t want to dance.” I would move my position in the crowd, turn my back on the person, take a more active approach to dancing with someone else etc. Unfortunately, there is usually some guy who doesn’t get it. He comes up and touches without making eye contact. When this happens I’ve taken to flat out pushing the guy away from me. This has always been significantly forceful to discourage future contact. I think it intimidates other nice perhaps less confident guys who might want to dance with me, but oh well.

Dancing in clubs has also forced me to say no to people. I hate saying no! I realized how bad I was at saying no the first time someone asked me for my number and I gave it to him because I didn’t know what else to do. Now, if someone asks if they can see me again or if they can have my number I have all kinds of reasons why I can’t. He doesn’t need to know that I think it is shallow to ask me on a date without ever having a conversation with me.

Even if the guy is bad at other non-verbal conversation, I’ve learned that they can pick up on the way I say no. It was so difficult for me to say no at the start that I wouldn’t look at the guy and or I would smile. These subtle non-verbal’s give the guy the impression that I’m not serious and so he persists. Now I’m better at saying no firmly yet without being mean