Liars!

I’m a liar, and you’re a liar, and everyone you know is a liar. Perhaps you knew this, but it’s news to me.

One of the most valuable tools I learned while working Wilderness Therapy was a deeper understanding of dishonesty. When I thought critically about honesty, it didn’t take me long to realize that I’m regularly dishonest with myself and others.

This was an unsettling realization that directly opposed a years old identity that I had constructed for myself. Fortunately I ran into this TED talk that helped me feel normal. In “How to Spot a Liar” Pamela Meyer does a great job of explaining why people lie, how often they lie, and what the tell tale signs are.

Wilderness Therapy helped me conceptualize dishonesty as falling into three distinct categories.

 Lies of commission are outright lies. This is the most easily identifiable form of dishonesty. An example could be claiming to be sick when well in order to avoid work. Children are often caught in lies of commission. Perhaps they will claim they did not break something when in fact they did. The primary motivation behind lies of commission are avoiding responsibility, and saving face. In my observation, lies of commission seem to be the most offensive and generate the most distrust.

Lies of omission leave out information that would make the liar look bad, not including a relevant party on information that may be upsetting, or failing to correct a misconception. An example would be cheating on an exam or lover and never telling. Failing to correct a misconception could be if others assume that the fabulous dessert brought to a potluck was homemade and not clarifying that was picked up at a bakery. The most classic lies of omission start with the phrase, “Don’t tell Mom.” (or whoever). I’ve seen lies of omission start with not knowing how to handle a difficult situation, which is then stretched out to total avoidance. Most of the time when people lie via omission they fess up if someone is savvy enough to ask a direct question.

Lies of ascent happen when someone ‘goes along’ with something when truthfully they are uncomfortable or have an unexpressed dislike. People in this category are ‘people pleasers’. They have trouble saying no. Usually the liar perceives the socially desirable answer and aims for that. Lies of ascent can happen when there is a power over dynamic, as with bosses. Most often lies of ascent stem from a fear of rejection and a lack of confidence.