Excited-Nervousness

I’m about to venture out with a back pack to France, a country where I have no friends. I’ll be staying with strangers who I met through couchsurfing.com. I’m barely intelligible at speaking French and I know this will cause many people to assume that I’m stupid. Initially I will be absolutely dependent on the kindness of strangers. Taking off in this manner has caused me to relinquish any pretence of control over the events of my life. I’m trying to trade in expectations for acceptance and appreciation of what is.

The idea of the valiant individual isn’t uniquely American, but we certainly do it the best. I don’t want to be a burden. I want to lessen other peoples burdens. I have an intense and growing appreciation for community, yet strangers still seem risky. There is a possibility that I could be physically injured in my pursuit to connect with strangers. Nevertheless, I believe most people are loving. According to Freakonomics 87% of people are basically good. Yet the voice that returns to the very first things I learned in life, both as a woman and as an individual, tells me that strangers are not to be trusted. I’m trying to silence that voice and open my heart to the possibilities.

I struggle with the fact that people are going to assume things about me. I’m guessing that in France I will deal with a lot of assumptions that I’m not used too. Assumptions about being American, assumptions about my intelligence. I assume things about people and I’m working on it. I, like most people, wish to be seen as I see myself. I want to be less attached to this idea. Perhaps the way I see myself isn’t even accurate. I try to remember the saying “What other people think about you is none of your business”. I’m trying my best to stick to what I know for sure and make observations. Example: A woman talking on her cell phone is driving poorly. Instead of: That woman is a terrible driver. Or worse: Women can’t drive.

I know in my mind that many people do the same program I’m doing every year. I know that my safety net is much bigger than the average person who immigrates to the United States. I know that this phase of my life, as all things are, is temporary. I know that things will be alright in the way that things always seem to be alright. I know that I will make friends. I have been fantasizing about travel for years, and I know I don’t want to stay. All of this knowledge resides in my mind and does almost nothing to quell my nerves about leaving. Experience will help me internalize my knowledge. I am extremely privileged to participate in travel and I’m trying to keep this in the front of my mind. It is my hope that travel can be used as a vehicle for self awareness and living in the moment. I think I will travel until I have synchronized my thoughts, values, and behavior patterns.

It concerns me that I continue to pursue activities that are so self serving. Somehow I just don’t feel grown up yet. I want to engage in helpful activities but I don’t want my attitude to be patronizing, myopic, condescending, or ignorant. There will be ever more room to improve as a person, even when I’m 80. But I think there are some experiences and emotional skills I need to acquire before I can set out to participate in activities specifically designed to be of service. For now I hope to be of service in small interpersonal ways. More importantly I hope to be self aware enough to know when to back off. So off I go!