Adulthood - The First Ten Years

In June 2014, it was ten years since I graduated high school. Unfortunately, I didn’t go to my reunion. I always thought I would drop everything and go.  Part of me just wants to verify that I’m not the only one who is ten years older. Logic tells me that I’m definitely not aging alone, but I’d rather experience that for myself.

While my former classmates celebrated being ten years more accomplished, I moved across the country and went back to high school. This time, I’m a French teacher in Colonial Heights Virginia.

I’m in awe that it’s been ten years since I was a high school student. Some days I don’t feel any older or wiser than I was at 18. The rhythm of time is predictable and mundane. Despite this steady truth, I often forget that years have passed. When I remember, I feel surprised and nostalgic.  

I’ve been thinking about what I’ve done and haven’t done in the last ten years. Some things I planned and worked hard for like getting my bachelors, teaching in France, teaching in Korea, traveling around, and being an AmeriCorps volunteer.  The best things that happened were never part of my plan, and make me feel connected to a higher power, like getting married, living in Utah, and becoming a teacher.

I’m really excited about my new career. Looking from the perfectness of hindsight, I can see how every job that I’ve held has prepared me to be a high school teacher. Nothing could have prepared me for the level of “homework” I currently have though.

Road Trip Adventures

We packed up our car and moved away from Utah. It was our third trip driving cross-country, so we figured we were experts.

Our beautiful housemates made us delicious breakfast the day we left, and numerous friends stopped by. We felt blessed. There was a somber and gentle rain similar to those that fall in Washington State. The weather matched our sad feeling about leaving.

By the time we made our goal of getting to the boarder of Kansas and Colorado it was nearly midnight. GPS navigated us to a fairgrounds where we read that there were campsites. Dirty lies, there were no camping. Damn. Mike wanted to drive 30 more miles to find camping that our GPS suggested. I was done. I had no intention of driving further to find a campsite that may or may not exist. It was a long day and I was operating on less than 5 hours of sleep. I insisted that we throw down our sleeping bags on the lawn of a local church.

Day two our air conditioning created a puddle on the floor. We were grateful that the damage was no worse than that. Then we followed signs for camping near Columbia Missouri. Again, lies. No camping. Fortunately our frustration disappeared after a delicious diner and great conversation with several old friends. Our savvy friends knew of the perfect camping spot, and we had a great nights rest.

The third and fourth day we spent visiting friends and relaxing in St. Louis. It’s refreshing to catch up with old friends. I wish there were more opportunities to catch up with all the folks we’ve met along the way. St. Louis will always be extra special for Mike and I. I had to smile as we passed by the places where our romance first played out.

We got up early on day five for a big driving day toward New York. We were grateful for the rain, since our air conditioning could not be used. Just two hours from St. Louis, we spun out going 60-65 miles an hour in the right lane. Ridding in a car traveling in rapid and uncontrollable circles is terrifying. We were both sure we would flip. After our heart rate slowed, we were in awe at all the things that could have gone wrong.

We got on the highway and took the first exit. Luckily there was a mechanic there, who opened his doors early to take a look at our car. Even our car was unscathed. The only issue was that the insides of our back tires, under the wheel well, were bald and had ribbing showing through. We were shocked. Our tires aren’t very old, and a week previous they had been rotated and balanced. Nobody said anything about unsafe tires. The damage was invisible from the curbside. The mechanic thought that the issue was misalignment that caused uneven tire wear. He said the damage wouldn’t have happened on this trip. We bought some new tires and carried on. After several traffic and construction delays we made it to a pre-reserved campsite that Mike scouted out for us.

The last day of our journey, I was feeling a little superstitious. Every driving day something unexpected happened, and with increasing intensity. Happily this day broke the mold. We were so relieved to make it home to Mike’s parents without incident. We decided that not all adventures are fun, and that we are done driving cross-country.

Today we’re on our way to Germany and France for a two week trip to celebrate my friend’s wedding. May we only have enjoyable adventures.

Liars!

I’m a liar, and you’re a liar, and everyone you know is a liar. Perhaps you knew this, but it’s news to me.

One of the most valuable tools I learned while working Wilderness Therapy was a deeper understanding of dishonesty. When I thought critically about honesty, it didn’t take me long to realize that I’m regularly dishonest with myself and others.

This was an unsettling realization that directly opposed a years old identity that I had constructed for myself. Fortunately I ran into this TED talk that helped me feel normal. In “How to Spot a Liar” Pamela Meyer does a great job of explaining why people lie, how often they lie, and what the tell tale signs are.

Wilderness Therapy helped me conceptualize dishonesty as falling into three distinct categories.

 Lies of commission are outright lies. This is the most easily identifiable form of dishonesty. An example could be claiming to be sick when well in order to avoid work. Children are often caught in lies of commission. Perhaps they will claim they did not break something when in fact they did. The primary motivation behind lies of commission are avoiding responsibility, and saving face. In my observation, lies of commission seem to be the most offensive and generate the most distrust.

Lies of omission leave out information that would make the liar look bad, not including a relevant party on information that may be upsetting, or failing to correct a misconception. An example would be cheating on an exam or lover and never telling. Failing to correct a misconception could be if others assume that the fabulous dessert brought to a potluck was homemade and not clarifying that was picked up at a bakery. The most classic lies of omission start with the phrase, “Don’t tell Mom.” (or whoever). I’ve seen lies of omission start with not knowing how to handle a difficult situation, which is then stretched out to total avoidance. Most of the time when people lie via omission they fess up if someone is savvy enough to ask a direct question.

Lies of ascent happen when someone ‘goes along’ with something when truthfully they are uncomfortable or have an unexpressed dislike. People in this category are ‘people pleasers’. They have trouble saying no. Usually the liar perceives the socially desirable answer and aims for that. Lies of ascent can happen when there is a power over dynamic, as with bosses. Most often lies of ascent stem from a fear of rejection and a lack of confidence. 

Professional Gallery

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Mike couldn’t pass up the opportunity to hang in a professional gallery, sell a piece, and contribute to the local university. “Canyon Eve” is hanging in the Southern Utah University Braithwraite Fine Arts Gallery from February 20 – March 5, 2014. His piece is part of the online auction. Mike was invited to the live auction and fancy diner on March 6^th, but he’ll be in the field. All the pieces donated to this auction will benefit the opening of the Southern Utah Museum of Art.

 

Art for Groovefest!

Mike has been working diligently on his art, with the aspiration to be a professional artist in the near future. Recently he has had two opportunities to have paintings hang in the community.

The first of which is a benefit for Cedar City Groovefest. Mike donated his painting “Southern Utah River” to a silent auction located in Cedar City’s most charming coffee shop, The Grind

 

His art was in good Company.

  

Including our housemate, DaKishia Reid, who donated “Groove”.

Oh Christmas Tree!

My neighbor, Sariah, got a permit from the Bureau of Land Management to cut a Christmas tree directly from the woods. Luckily for me she invited me on this adventure. Christmas Vacation style, we did indeed cut the perfect tree from amongst thousands of trees big and small.

Braving waist deep snow.

We did remember the saw.

Then we trudged the tree up hill.

Trudgery entitles one to bask in the glory.

Christmas Carols and beautiful views made the drive home just as happy as the search for the perfect tree.

Later Sariah invited me to help her decorate! Here is the lovely result. Fortunately the tree does fit in her house. Although, there was a bit of a struggle to persuade the tree to stay straight in the stand. I really like how there is enough space near the trunk to hang ornaments all along the branch, not just on the ends.

 

I love finding a tree every chance I get, but this experience is absolutely the most fun I've had. It was exciting to be in the endless possibilities of the woods. We didn't see anyone outside of our group on this adventure, and he weather was great.  It was merely hovering around freezing on the fine day of the tree hunt. Being outside was liberating, after several days of being cooped up in negative 10 and below.

The Neighbors

These are our neighbors, at their house.

They are a clan of nine Chickens. The nine Chickens belong to a family of nine Children. At our house, our windows are like TV. The Children chase the Chickens and each other. It's a constant source of entertainment. Mike often hollers urgently to me, "Come here comehere COMEHERE! Hurry!." Inevitably something cute is happening. I regularly resiste the urge to take pictures of the Children. It doesn't seem ethical to take photos of other peoples kids without permission.

Sometimes the Chickens come visit us.

 

 

 They play in our yard, and raid our compost pile. These Chickens are adventurous. We've even seen them cross the road. This gives us much to contemplate.

Occasionally the Chickens invite themselves in.

Mike politely walks them out.

THE END

Simple Life

Wilderness Therapy, farm life, and the Peace Corps experience are often glamorized as the simple life. No distractions, no internet, just taking it slowly, and focusing on the important stuff. It’s true that the important stuff becomes the primary focus. There is hardly any choice. Wilderness experiences are process and survival oriented. To eat; wood must be found, broken, and hauled. Then the fire pit must be dug, the coal bowed, and finally blown into flame. Preparing to eat requires a remarkable amount of time. Surviving is hard, dirty work. The process of surviving allows time for thinking and constant connection with those around you. All work is done as a collective. Eating a hot meal twice a day, striking camp, hiking to a new camp, and setting up camp is a full day’s work. Still the students must make space for phase work, relaxing, writing letters, and helping their peers. Wilderness is very busy. 

By contrast the simplicity of modern conveniences disconnects the average person from the work of living. Heating a home and food is effortlessly clean with the flip of a switch. The switch disengages the flipper with the actual process of getting warm. Water for baths warms in seconds. An entire load of dishes are sanitized and dried via machine. Cars transport people in a fraction of the time walking or biking requires. Cars also enable people to effortlessly schlep all kinds of stuff. People from high income countries are not required to decide what is important because it is no trouble to throw a few extra things in the car. Indeed, technology makes most everything easier and faster, yet it is not considered the simple life. Life in a developed country offers abundant relief from challenging environmental factors yet gratitude for that relief is lacking.

If conveniences make survival less time consuming, then life in the era of technology should be the more relaxed pace of life. There should be ample time to bond with loved ones, hold politicians accountable, be creative, take care of our health, pursue hobbies, prepare really good meals, and engage with community. Somehow most people are lacking time most of the time. People are stressed and disconnected from one another. Endemic Illness and addiction are symptoms of chronic stress and loneliness.

To flip a switch discourages interdependence. You don’t need your neighbor, your children, or your spouse to physically survive in a modern society. It’s challenging to get down to the character of someone when you only see them flipping a switch. Disconnection is extremely burdensome and lonely. If there is a trauma, it is that much more challenging to overcome in the absence of enriching community. People turn to substances, work, and entertainment to alleviate boredom and discontent. Wilderness is experiential education and therapy. Everyday survival activities, like breaking wood and digging a fire pit help students to learn gratitude and joys of authentic, loving connections. Surviving and helping one another gives students a sense of purpose. Along the way students process about how they got to where they were, and what need they were trying to fulfill. In the wilderness, students explore how to lead whole hearted lives.

Wanted to Share

A friend of mine shared this post with me called "because i'm a twentysomething" from the blog "Today was Meaningful."

This post was really timely for me and many of my friends. I'm always attracting the same kind of friend. They are all special and unique people, but if I were to place them in a category, they would all be in the same one. The category of friend I'm drawn toward is "Whole Hearted Passionate Artist Adventurer" Yes, that is all one title.

This free-spiritedness was charming for a few years, but some loved ones are starting to worry about those of us who are getting closer to thirty. Us near thirty or early thirty somethings are feeling worry creep up in ourselves too. It's weird to worry, and not in our nature. We are worrying about if we'll find our dream job, and moreover, if we'll actually get paid a living wage for it. We're worrying if we'll find partners before we're biologically too mature to have kids, or if we'll have the money situation squared away while we're young enough to have babies. This quarter-life crises thing never ends, it just keeps coming in waves of angst followed by calm.

Work, and the things work invites into our lives is a constant topic of exploration for us adventurers. Several weeks ago, we had a "Feelings Group" at work before we went into the field. One of my colleagues said she felt sad that she wasn't sure she could continue to do the things she wanted to do, because it wasn't financially feasible. Unfortunately this comment was misunderstood as a passive aggressive jab at how much we are being paid. In response an administrator suggested that we should be glad we have jobs.

Perhaps it's a generational gap, or perhaps it's a difference in personality. We adventurers are looking for far more than a paycheck. We are looking for an experience, and personal growth. Ultimately we want a balanced happy life that fuels our passions. We are looking for teamwork and community in our jobs. We want that teamwork amongst colleagues at our level as well as with our superiors. Adventurers look around and wonder if the job we love, and the work environment we want will support kids and pay for retirement. Administrator, sir, the worries expressed are far deeper than the current job.

Hugs

I’m an affectionate person. My mom raised me with lots of hugs and kisses and I never grew out of it. I often find myself craving a hug. 

When I first started working at Red Cliff, I was frequently lonely or sad in the field. It was challenging to work in such an emotional capacity while getting so few hugs. Every time my co-staff and I had a meeting I made sure to hug them, more for my sake than theirs. 

There is a time and a place for hugs in the field. Usually at a naming or a knifing the honored student will hug everyone in the circle. Once in a while, a student will ask for a hug for one reason or another. If it is a male student, I always say no. If it is a female student, it depends on the situation. Truly, a professional working with youth does not want to put themselves in a position where anything can be misconstrued. Hugging gets dicey pretty fast. 

It is challenging to see a student obviously hurting and in need of a hug. I’ll give out back pats now and again. If the situation truly merits it, then I’ll tell a sad student to go hug another student in the group. I only suggest hugging a peer if it’s a sad birthday in treatment, or a dog died at home, or anything that would be unusually draining. 

The Red Cliff therapy model does not emphasize warm fuzzy comforts, but I would say that it is very much a nurturing environment. The curriculum is designed to empower students, and the field guides radiate positive, caring vibes. I’ve found that hugging, validation, and attention seeking can all become crutches that people could become overly dependent on. Heavy reliance on affection is often symptomatic of someone who allows other peoples moods to determine their own mood. 

When I started working at Red Cliff it was quickly clear to me that my mood was dependent on the mood of others. This is a very vulnerable place to be in when you’re an authority figure surrounded by upset teenagers. Over the last nine months I’ve become better at maintaining my mood and my sense of self regardless of those I’m surrounded by.  My awareness of this tendency in myself has gone from none to some, which is big. Actually changing this dynamic will probably come incrementally as most emotional change does. I don’t want to stop being a huggy person. I think hugs are good for your health. (Yes, I know CNN is far from scholarly.)  It’s just that I don’t want to be dependent on hugs, or other people’s moods. I want to understand my underlying motivations and act from a wise mind as opposed to react from an emotional space.

Moondance Swan

My colleagues asked me to teach a yoga class in the morning. It was a special time because a few colleagues that usually aren’t around were there, and one dear colleague was moving away. 

After yoga I went to the bathroom, all my friends had left the basement where we practiced. So I followed them upstairs and onto the back porch. There all my friends were in a circle, and they invited me inside.

“A silver light beams down from the heavens, bathing everything in it’s glow. Reflecting the rays of the sun, the Moon shines down over the earth illuminating the night. She dances across the sky in a constant cycle of transition. Despite being ever changing, the Moon has a rhythm to her, each month waking full then waning to darkness to be reborn and being anew. Subtlety is the Moon’s strength, as her gentle presence has a significant effect on something as mighty as the ocean tides. The Moon also serves to teach us about perception, when full some see the face of a man on her surface, while others see a rabbit. In some cultures the Moon has been perceived as having a mysterious, powerful, magical aspect, in other’s she is viewed as being a medium of balance, purity, and reflection.

The swan is a great teacher; one of the most important lessons she offers is about transformation and hope – the belief that anything or anyone possesses the potential for great beauty.

Dark and light. Optimism and pessimism. Gentle and strong. Opposites that complement each other for a more rounded experience. In order to know the joy it is important to understand sadness. Healing brings great relief, but often after pain and suffering. You feel very deeply Jamie, there is much passion in your presence as evidenced by your desire to educate, befriend, empower, and facilitate the growth around you. Sometimes however words cannot express the full meanings of ones feelings. In those times we turn towards other means of expression, moving to the beat of our emotions. Emotions can carry us in many directions positive or negative, each a unique reflection of one’s experience. 

The Moon glows because she reflects the joy and light of the sun. Like the Moon you draw energy from those around you and once combined with your own enthusiasm, jubilance radiates forth. Despite it’s brightest appearance belonging to the night, the Moon is still visible even in daylight. It’s presence a constant reminder that you don’t always have to be the most noticeable presence to still have a strong influence on what surrounds you.

Jamie, the time for the uncertainty of a cygnet is past – you have all the skills and tools you need. It is time for the joyous, confident woman e know to step on stage and when the curtain rises, to take your place in the lights as Moondance Swan. “

I accepted this beautiful gift with much gratitude and hugs.