Awe

I just got home from a conference for AmeriCorps in Kansas City. I had a lovely time, and bonded with more of my amazing colleagues, but the expense of the trip concerns me. We charted a bus, and stayed in a nice Marriott in the business district. It seemed a little too classy considering we are all trying to serve people who struggle with basic needs. Perhaps deals were cut, and it wasn't as expensive, but nevertheless cost was surely incurred. Normally cost is associated with things, but the information we received at the conference wasn't so extraordinary that we needed to travel five hours and stay in a snazzy hotel.

Meeting Cameron Clapp was one exceptional thing that wouldn't have been reproducible for all of AmeriCorps Missouri without bringing us to one place. Cameron is an athlete and a triple amputee. He overcame unfathomable adversity to be where he is at. Despite the loss of his limbs, and his twin brother Cameron is extremely positive. I was completely in awe of him and I hung around afterwards just listening to him talk to other people. I asked him if their were any pole vaulters who use prosthetics, and he gave me a hug.

This sort of awe, that overcomes me has occurred before with speakers that came to campus. I never know what to say to them, but I want to interact with them. I want to somehow absorb their wonderful wisdom.

Some of the most remarkable people I have met, were dying, or nearly died once. These experiences shake a person to the core, and instill feeling that life is so precious, that their is almost nothing worthy of getting upset about. I understand this truth on an intellectual level, but my heart hasn't caught up yet. Petty things still rile me up but I'm hoping that my head and heart reconcile to a place of divine positivity sooner than later. I'd rather not cheat death or die to attain such wisdom.

Camping

I spent an amazing week at camp with my AmeriCorps colleagues. My favorite moments were canoeing across a lake at dusk, finding a pretty little turtle, guitar songs, sports, metaphors, and fake mustaches. I enjoyed getting to know my colleagues so much. It’s a privilege to be around such inspirational people.

It was relieving to be far from the TV for a week. After five years without a TV I’ve found that it’s really challenging to be in a house with so many loud TV’s all the time. I don’t watch TV, but it still affects the atmosphere around me.

I also loved that people were much more in the moment at camp. Nobody had to go anywhere, or call anyone. What was engaging at the moment was all that mattered weather that was chatting with a friend, listening to music, dancing, finding a stick, or eating. Living in the present for every moment is a constant aim, but I have a lot of work to do. I need to develop more strength to be present in such a plugged in world.

A struggle I faced at camp was landing the canoes and getting everyone on shore. The landing wasn’t a quiet beach as I expected, and thus I worried about getting everyone on shore dry and safe. I also worried about the crew coming after us, and if they could depart dry. Being dry and safe was certainly a concern, but it wasn’t an unsurpassable goal. In retrospect getting wet would not have been tragic, but I was worried about it. I was an active participant in getting everyone on land safely and mostly dry, so I wasn’t aware of how deeply this landing worried me. I found out though when I got a headache. I assumed this headache was provoked by hunger and thirst so I acted accordingly, which led to nausea.

After I got sick the headache and the nausea abated of it’s own accord and I was able to coherently reflect on everything that led up to the nausea. I think the sickness was a physical reaction to worry that I didn’t fully acknowledge at the moment it arrived. Since I didn’t acknowledge the worry and deal with it my body had a strong physical reaction. This is not the first time this has happened to me, and I’m starting to think that it is weakness in my character.

My body letting me know something is up usually happens in the face of two competing emotions. In the case of camping my fear and worry was competing with my joy of being in the woods and the value I place on being a tuff girl. Being worried sick was not a joyous or tuff event for sure. The other competing emotions are that I think worry is useless because everything works out in the end.

Positivity is the foundation of my ever developing philosophy on life, thus I think I must repress a lot of negative emotions. Positivity has served me well, but I’m wondering how balanced my emotional climate is. Perhaps I need strategies to accept and be fully aware of all of my emotions while moving towards more and more pos itivity. Hmmm where to go…

Living Easy

I am back in Saint Louis, living it up with my family, and entertaining a friend from Germany. I've known Stefanie since I was 12 years old, and I am so happy to have her at my house:) It's exciting to see the things that she is in awe of. Stefanie is one of the kids I ran around with when I lived in Germany. So many of my formative experiences involve her. Since she has been here, I've felt like we were kids again. We have been playing sports, chatting it up, listening to music, and doing other fun stuff. Ever since I've been back in St. Louis I've felt like I've been having a second summer. It's been in the 80's all week, and I've done nothing but play.

Part of this play has included welcoming activities with AmeriCorps. I really like my colleagues a lot:) They all seem open minded, big hearted, and adventurous. I'm leaving on a 5 day intensive training and camp trip with AmeriCorps tomorrow. I'm really pumped for it. I haven't been camping in a few years.

Besos

Chileans love kisses. Kisses are given on the right cheek while simultaneously raising the right hand to touch the left shoulder. This is the basic hello for all women. Chilean men give each other kisses more than French men but it depends on the situation and how close the men are to one another. The basic kiss/touch greeting quickly progresses to a hug and a kiss. Usually a little conversation is all it takes. I´ve noticed that friends of Ursula´s are quicker to hug me.

My favorite people to greet are Chileans and Germans because their is potential for hugs and kisses. The social rules about hugging and kissing in Germany are far more complex, and it happens less often. I wonder how a ¨free cheek kiss¨sign would do in the United States. I would probably only attract straight men.

And so it is...

I recently fell in love, and it took me completely by surprise. I really didn´t see it coming, but I´m totally smitten with grammar. I´ve studied languages intensively for five years, and I´ve always resisted grammar at times even detested it. I suppose I was bound to fall under it´s charms eventually. I regularly got C´s in college language classes, because I didn´t study. I was very engaged with my readings and my papers but I couldn´t be bothered with the idiosyncrasies of grammar. I like words, and I like the idea of knowing a language. I like culture, history, and politics. I pretend I´m a spy, and spy´s need to know foreign languages. But I NEVER liked grammar. It was a necessary evil. It is the math of languages. Grammar; to many rules, not enough discourse.

So their I was in my intensive Spanish class, and we were flying through stuff. My teacher didn´t have to explain any grammar to me, just the rules of Spanish grammar. After hearing grammar so many times, I suppose most of it sunk in, although I know that I am still weak in certain grammatical aspects of each language. Now I´m motivated to study it critically, to intentionally make the observations. I want to practice grammar on a meta-conscious level, not just a habitual level of passive resignation to seemingly arbitrary rules. It´s a shame I didn´t fall in love sooner because I had the opportunity to study grammar in college. I guess it is a lesson in remembering that every moment is an opportunity, and I never know how I might be served by it.

Normally I´m a huge fan of details especially concerning art, history, and peoples lives. I never liked grammar details because it didn´t seem creative. Now I´m a fan. It is creative. If you know the grammar, then on a literature level their are so many creative possibilities. French and German literature has an additional element of beauty because the grammar of the languages is so much more specific than English.

After my Spanish class, I briefly fantasized about being a language teacher. This has always been out of the question, primarily because grammar was so loathsome. Now that I´m enchanted with all aspects of language, I feel that I could share that passion with other people. Sometimes I wish I would stop having so many exciting ideas about what to do with my life! Reincarnation is increasingly becoming an attractive idea as I struggle to accept that I probably won´t have time to do everything I want to do.

Gringos Beware!

Their is an expression in Chile that if you don´t look in the eyes of the person you cheers with, then you´ll have bad sex for five years. The Germans and the French feel strongly about eye contact on the cheers but not as strongly as the Chileans. I have the most trouble getting eye contact in the States. Italy, Ireland, Norway, and Sweden always rendered a good eye lock. But eye contact in the United States is so rare that I get a thrill from a good Cheers when I´m home. So if you´re reading this, consider raising your eyes when you raise your glass.

Learning Spanish

Currently I speak exclusively in the present tense with poorly conjugated verbs. My friends in France teased me about using gestures, but speaking Spanish is like a full on theatrical performance. Whole ideas are expressed using no words. What did you do today was once answered like this.

Good.
Go Friend of Anna´s Birthday.
Eat empanadas.
A lot, and the gesture for walk.
Artisan shopping.
Register School.
I like.
Good Day.

Details, sentences, and conjugations are extraneous. This economy of words lends a whole new dimension to the idea of minimalism. Every time I´m in the position of learning a language I have to question how important my contributions to conversations are, and if I couldn´t stand to hold my tongue more.

When first learning a language, I usually only speak when I´m asked something. Talking usually requires a translator of sorts. Someone who understands my baby talk and gestures. Some people are really awesome at it and I wonder if I have some special connection with these translators, or if these are just sensitive, observant, creative people.

I prefer to be in groups greater than three because their is a polite/awkward timidity about speaking when its only two others and I. They don´t want to talk for fear of excluding me, and I don´t speak for fear of excluding someone. When it´s me and more than two others the awkwardness of my not understanding quickly dissipates and I become a fly on the wall. At which point I´m free to practice my periphery vision, observe social interactions, or listen to whatever I can understand of the conversation. Generally I understand quite a bit if someone deliberately speaks slowly with me, although I´m getting better at normal conversation speed.

A week of Spanish classes starts today.